Drunk Typing

Seriously Apple, I spent like 50 bajillion dollars on one of your piece of shit computers, and it can't even detect that I'm MAYBE too drunk to be typing?! In the last post, I initially spelled "cuff" as "cough." How EMBARRASSING. Thank fucking god I re-read everything I write because it's so fucking brilliant and insightful. But seriously. I can fucking make some piece of shit African Instrumental song on my mac, but it can't send me a little beepy notice saying "Bitch, you're too drunk to type?" Fuck you, mac.

Meet the Robinsons

Meet the Robinsons is a fucking awesome movie. It's taken me three days to finish it, but I cried at least 3 times, and laughed a lot and overall was left feeling like MAYBE people weren't huge pieces of shit. Way to go, Disney. You can still charm this old bitch.

But Meet the Robinsons made me realize something. And that something is that I have the capability to find a computer animated 13 year old kid mildly attractive while I'm drunk. And for that, I hate you so much Disney. So much.

Although, if I lived in the world of NBC, that would be enough to make Detective Stabler come after me for being a pervert, and I would love nothing more than that, because that guy can cuff me and "read me my rights" any time. So maybe, Thanks Disney?


(Also I love how fucking quotes around a word make it seem filthy.)

Questionable Taste

you know what I fucking hate? when assholes wearing ill-fitting and outdated clothes think they're better than me. Uh, you know what? I might get so falling-down drunk that I fuck a homeless man in his cart and then make him promise to call me later, but I HAVE NEVER and WILL NEVER wear some fucking ass ugly pantsuit that looks like a Hilary Clinton circa 1992 reject. Have some fucking dignity people, fucking hell.

DC

So yeah, I took a two year break from this shit, mainly because I was tired of being so fucking right all the time. But I'm back, because in my time off, I got all introspective and shit, and realized it's my duty to tell people whats right.

And today I'm talking about Washington DC.


First of all, what the FUCK, DC?! You want to be a god damned state now?! I guess you don't feel cool enough you have the capital and barack obama and shit, now you need to be able to be represented because you pay taxes? No fucking way. You know what, if you're going to be a state, then lets move the white house and obama back to minneapolis. why the fuck not?

Also, DC is stupid because it's full of fucking douchebags who like to interupt my conversation at bars. You know what, if my friend and I are talking about giving strangers head, we don't need your dumb ass popping in and asking what the weather is like in Minnesota. Here's a hint: it's fucking cold. it's always fucking cold. If you're hoping for some head, weather talk isn't the best intro....buying me a fucking PBR is.

Also, everyone talks about DC like it's all dangerous and shit. I'm sorry, but a city with NO trash or cigarette butts on the street, isn't dangerous. DC streets are cleaner than a fucking amish lady's house. Stupid.

DC, Get with it, you're not bad ass or awesome. You're like a suburb, but with cooler architecture.

Jesus Pictures

Since I was thinking about the church and all, I got to thinking about Jesus pictures. I fucking hate pictures of Jesus. He is such a dirty hippie with his long ugly hair and his stupid beard and his shifty eyes. I mean, on the plus side, you probably could score some killer weed from Jesus, but he would be lame to hang out with, unless he started doing all his little magic tricks. That would be sweet I guess.

I don't like those creepy ass pictures of Jesus that people hang in their house though, like those ones that look really old and creepy and look like something that would be in an Indiana Jones movie and be some kind of icons of doom, and that asian kid would be all "no doctah jones! don't touch the icons!" but Indiana Jones would still touch the icons (because god knows he never listens to that asian kid, even though he was in goonies.), and then he would go crazy and try to rip out someones heart or eyeballs or something. I hate those pictures. I don't know how people can put them in their homes and pray to them and not get FREAKED OUT. Imagine if you were coming home and you were fucked up and you turned the light on, and there were a bunch of freaky ass icons of Jesus and Co. staring back at you all shifty like. I would shit myself.

Oh but I DO really love those neon pictures of the last supper and stuff that a lot of people have in their homes. Those things really capture the essence of the fact that last supper was like a total party, and you shouldn't be sad about it because every time you eat wine and bread you're totally eating Jesus and PLUS those things would be trippy as hell if you were stoned.

Sunday Thoughts

Today is sunday, and it is 10am and I have a complaint. Last night, I was out at a gay bar with some gays, and I got good and drunk and then smoked some dope, and then went home and had sex with a stranger, who may or may not have been straight. Anyways, long night!! So this morning, I was sleeping peacefully, when all of a sudden some idiot church bells started to go off.

COME ON!

I should still be passed out hald on my bed and half on the floor, but instead I'm awake because of the fucking church. Do you people have nothing better to do than stand around/kneel around/sit around reading from a crusty ass-old book singing lame songs, shaking hands, and listening to some old priest who is probably a little boy raper? Maybe you don't, and that is just sad, but I do. And that something is sleeping.

Hello!

Welcome to my blog. Everything you will read in here is right, because Everything I think is right.