Drunk Typing

Seriously Apple, I spent like 50 bajillion dollars on one of your piece of shit computers, and it can't even detect that I'm MAYBE too drunk to be typing?! In the last post, I initially spelled "cuff" as "cough." How EMBARRASSING. Thank fucking god I re-read everything I write because it's so fucking brilliant and insightful. But seriously. I can fucking make some piece of shit African Instrumental song on my mac, but it can't send me a little beepy notice saying "Bitch, you're too drunk to type?" Fuck you, mac.

Meet the Robinsons

Meet the Robinsons is a fucking awesome movie. It's taken me three days to finish it, but I cried at least 3 times, and laughed a lot and overall was left feeling like MAYBE people weren't huge pieces of shit. Way to go, Disney. You can still charm this old bitch.

But Meet the Robinsons made me realize something. And that something is that I have the capability to find a computer animated 13 year old kid mildly attractive while I'm drunk. And for that, I hate you so much Disney. So much.

Although, if I lived in the world of NBC, that would be enough to make Detective Stabler come after me for being a pervert, and I would love nothing more than that, because that guy can cuff me and "read me my rights" any time. So maybe, Thanks Disney?


(Also I love how fucking quotes around a word make it seem filthy.)

Questionable Taste

you know what I fucking hate? when assholes wearing ill-fitting and outdated clothes think they're better than me. Uh, you know what? I might get so falling-down drunk that I fuck a homeless man in his cart and then make him promise to call me later, but I HAVE NEVER and WILL NEVER wear some fucking ass ugly pantsuit that looks like a Hilary Clinton circa 1992 reject. Have some fucking dignity people, fucking hell.

DC

So yeah, I took a two year break from this shit, mainly because I was tired of being so fucking right all the time. But I'm back, because in my time off, I got all introspective and shit, and realized it's my duty to tell people whats right.

And today I'm talking about Washington DC.


First of all, what the FUCK, DC?! You want to be a god damned state now?! I guess you don't feel cool enough you have the capital and barack obama and shit, now you need to be able to be represented because you pay taxes? No fucking way. You know what, if you're going to be a state, then lets move the white house and obama back to minneapolis. why the fuck not?

Also, DC is stupid because it's full of fucking douchebags who like to interupt my conversation at bars. You know what, if my friend and I are talking about giving strangers head, we don't need your dumb ass popping in and asking what the weather is like in Minnesota. Here's a hint: it's fucking cold. it's always fucking cold. If you're hoping for some head, weather talk isn't the best intro....buying me a fucking PBR is.

Also, everyone talks about DC like it's all dangerous and shit. I'm sorry, but a city with NO trash or cigarette butts on the street, isn't dangerous. DC streets are cleaner than a fucking amish lady's house. Stupid.

DC, Get with it, you're not bad ass or awesome. You're like a suburb, but with cooler architecture.